Can you be surprised by the fact that you have an eating disorder? Can you be surprised by the fact that despite having had two eating-disorder unit admissions, you have relapsed? Yes. Yes you can. And it’s shit.
It is important to remember that an eating disorder is not a diet- it is an illness. Someone who hates themselves, hates the way they look, feels unfit to show themselves in public, feels disgust and shame at the natural cravings of their human body, no longer has the perspective to see what they really look like, place little to no value on things outside of their weight and food, and live in constant pain, suffering from chronic cold, poor circulation, dizziness, fatigue and mental sluggishness, did not choose this life. It starts with a diet, but no one imagines looking a year down the line and seeing someone they don't even recognise. An eating disorder is not a choice- it is a leech. It sticks to you, sucking everything from you, mind and body until you have nothing left.